Insane diagram of who slept and made out with whom on Jersey Shore

US Weekly’s cover story this week “Jersey Shore Wars: Secret Fights” is predictably all about the drama on that asinine ubiquitous show. You get a bunch of stupid kids together, let them drink all day and go to clubs at night and lo and behold: they fight and have sex. What a concept. The fighting involves the women ganging up against Angelina, who is off the show next season after leaving and coming back again. She’s being replaced by a friend of Snooki’s called Deena Nicole Cortese, who is supposed to be nice and to get along with the other women. They need someone else to hate, so supposedly they’re feuding with Sammi as she’s mad at best buds Snooki and J-Woww for letting her know that her boyfriend, Ronnie, is a cheater. That’s all I can be bothered to recount from that story.

Oh – and one more detail in the story before I forget. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who will probably make $5 million dollars this year, owns a Bentley and is about to have a stint on Dancing With The Stars, thinks he’ll have a career as a movie star. He says “In another couple of years, I’ll graduate into TV and scripted, which we’re talking about now. Feature roles in films.” Good luck with that.

The best part of this story was an inset diagram from US showing who has slept with whom on the show. I’ve recreated it above, with full credit to US Weekly for this excellent concept. Angelina had sex with three out of four of the guys! She slept with Pauly, The Situation, and Vinny. Both Pauly and Vinny had sex with two out of the four, Angelina being one of them, and Ronnie and Sammi only had sex with each other. Just check out the photo below and enlarge it for the full effect. US even included makeout lines, with The Situation making out with a couple more girls and J-Woww and Snooki making out with each other. Add in the random chicks and guys these fools pick up at bars and I’m sure Chelsea Handler was right when she quipped that they’ve got herpes. There’s probably a lot of other things going around that house too.

Snooki kisses and tells too. She says that having sex with Vinny was like “putting a watermelon in a pinhole” and that he should get a career in porn. That’s not what that hole is usually for, Snooki.